he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
