HIV tests are more positive than that guy
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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