Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
