I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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