i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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