i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
