She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
