Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
