Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Randomize
