Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
it glows. i had to have it.
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Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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