tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
