what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I wish you could order shots online.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
