what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
