My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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