come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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