I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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