I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
