Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
