sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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