I will die if light touches me.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
