We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I got inside last night via doggy door
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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