Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
