I faked an abortion last night.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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