Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
