I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
