so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize