you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
