Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
