i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
