I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
