She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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