something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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