I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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