alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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