He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
