just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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