I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
