Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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