Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
