I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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