If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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