do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
