she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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