my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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