My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
