I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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