just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
