He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
