I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
