dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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