Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
