He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm too high and old for this...
I need water and some morals
Randomize
