i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
