she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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