My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
