im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
