I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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