You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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